Stop reading self-help books in search of something within you that is missing or broken.

My problem isn’t with “self-help” books themselves, it’s with society’s relationship with them.

A book can’t make you do anything, much less change the way you live your entire life.

Building on 3 core principles and strategically implementing them will add significantly more value than reading the next “YOURE A FUCKING BADASS AND NO ONE CAN STOP YOU ONLY YOURSELF” garbage that sits on the top of the NYT Bestseller list for 19 weeks.

I digress. The best books I’ve ever read:

1. Solve for Happy (finding inner joy)

2. How to Win Friends and Influence People (how to play nice with others)

3. Never Split the Difference (strategy from a former FBI Hostage negotiator to achieve better outcomes in everything from salary to getting your kids to go to bed on time).

Have all touched on the same themes to achieve different goals - >

Listen

It’s tough! I’ll be the first to admit that listening sucks unless it’s when I get to hear myself talk. But it might be the single most important act you can perform as a human being.

Solve for Happy - Listen to your thoughts in order to stay present. Not acting on them, but listening will deliver important information about how your brain works and allow you to investigate further.

How To Win Friends - Truly listening to others in conversation will allow you to foster deeper relationships. You don’t need to say something interesting to appear interesting. You just need to be interested. 

Never Split the Difference - Listening is the foundation for optimal negotiation. If you talk the whole time, your opponent will go on the defensive and hesitate to budge on any stipulation you push forward no matter how persuasive you are.

Don’t Force It

Solve for Happy - As humans, we’re under the impression that we can control everything. We can control almost nothing. Take The Hindu Concept of Detachment - striving to achieve your goals knowing that the results are impossible to predict. Take responsible action first then release the need to control.

How To Win Friends - Carnegie has 100 pages of his book dedicated to how being a good leader comes down to trusting other people to perform at their best. If you show them that they have your trust, they are more likely to rise to the occasion than if you attempt to force better performance.

Never Split the Difference - An encouraging attitude demonstrates that you’re easygoing and allows your counterpart to relax into a more open conversation. Thus allowing you to reach a more agreeable outcome.

Stop Being an Asshole

Solve for Happy - Chances are you don’t know the whole story. This applies to how other people are feeling, why your boss sent you that email, and why your sister voted Republican. Stop assuming you understand why others behave a certain way. Start believing that no one does anything for the sole purpose of pissing you off. Drop the main character syndrome.

How To Win Friends - Somewhat obvious. “Wounding a person’s precious pride” is a major misstep. Ask yourself if you need to correct your coworker during the meeting. Wouldn’t it be easier to pull them aside afterward? They’ll be thankful you helped them avoid embarrassment and more trusting of you going forward.

Never Split the Difference - If you watch Mad Men you might think that making someone feel stupid will make them admit that you’re smarter and yield to whatever terms you propose in a negotiation. On the contrary, my Dear Watson. Chances are they’ll be further entrenched in their demands. They’ll stop thinking logically and start being emotional. Then all hope of negotiating is out the window.

If I wrote a book that told you to do those 3 things. “Listen. Don’t force it. And Stop Being an Asshole.” Not a single copy would sell.

As humans, we’re looking for an elixir that will help us navigate life’s complexities with greater poise.

Some things are complicated, yes. Being a good human? Surprisingly simple.

Occam’s razor - Simplicity = efficiency.

Until next time,

Matt

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